[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
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My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
2022 will be better than 2021
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
just pretend nothing happened
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air