Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
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Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
what are they serving at kfc then???
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.