(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
You Might Also Like
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.