Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
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me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Why am I like this?
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
do horses think humans are hats
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.