@ourdailybadge: Dating advice: Don't just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
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@Brianhopecomedy: Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could've sworn she mouthed the word "crap".
@GrantTanaka: As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself "What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?"
@mydmac: I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of 'hey you' every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.