BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
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“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*