Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
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WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?