Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
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They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese