MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
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Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.