Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
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Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”