Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
You Might Also Like
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer