dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
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Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Breaking news:
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.