One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
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Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.