dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
You Might Also Like
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.