DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
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[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
This bar smells like my childhood.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto