@mydanimarie: DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you're too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they've probably had diarrhea at some point
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@WittySassBasket: I'm most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it's stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
@inojperez: "It's our third date and you still wear that shirt?" Honey, this all they have in prison.
@robknepper: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he'll eat for a lifetime.
@BadJordon: Autocorrect just changed 'so thirsty' to 'sloth irate' and I'm slowly getting angry about it.