You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
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Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Going into Monday like
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”