@EJGomez: dating tip: do NOT kiss their dad on the first date to establish dominance. wait until at least the second date. he will respect you more
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@sarcasticmommy4: It's nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates. It'd be even nicer if they'd stop bringing them back home.
@withanewname: [Installing ceiling fan] Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished! Wife on the phone: Is this Bob's fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
@DaddyNick: Block the toddler from the kitchen while I sweep left, handoff the baby, pass you a bottle and take a shower. On 2. Go! Football parenting
@david8hughes: [soldier making lunch] Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]