@EJGomez: dating tip: do NOT kiss their dad on the first date to establish dominance. wait until at least the second date. he will respect you more
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@ibid78: WAITER: can i take your order? HER: *looks at lobster tank* i'll take that one ME: *looks out window* i'll take that pigeon
@VirgoSherry: A co-worker just used the word "elderly" to describe someone my age and that's why I had to kill her.
@cornlog: My son is screaming his head off in his room but there's no way I'm going in there if his monster reports are true.
@SortaBad: Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood Age 35: *googles 'Best Months to Live Outside'*