Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
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My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
My dress code is business-casualty.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]