@jwoodham: DATING TIP: Don't reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
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@shegotagronk: Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said "Oh look, 12 new followers!"
@OhighIsis: Mom called to ask if I'd take her shopping. Me: What time? Mom: Anytime between 1-4. Apparently my Mom works for the cable company now.
@ruinedpicnic: *shipwrecked diary* Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab Day 2: crab seems untrustworthy Day 3: CRA B LEAR N ING TO WRI TE
@WilliamAder: They found Richard III's skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.