Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
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new shirt idea
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT