Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
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Pot warmers of the day.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
This kid is a star!
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW