@thetigersez: Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
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@SocialExtortion: I hate going to the dentist, he is always like "did you eat Oreos before you came in?" and "you are still eating Oreos, I can see you"
@EndhooS: Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast] Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
@PaperWash: Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request me: cool! Facebook: she's racist now me: uhh Facebook: everyone on here is
@jakob_huber: *meets girl for coffee* *sets down blueprints for bank* "What's this?" Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime