DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
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I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.