DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
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Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.