DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
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I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”