@jake_likes_naps: DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
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@EndhooS: [describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
@DeadLioness: In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
@MondayPajamas: Sometimes you run into people who totally change your life for the better. Bartenders.. Those people are called bartenders
@Stellacopter: Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with "two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips."