Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
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me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.