Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
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Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity