Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
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We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this