Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
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Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
58.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
They’re really bad with fonts.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer