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i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Poetry is my passion
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.