Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
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A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
SPLOOT
men are simple creatures
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch