Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
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If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
If only
Me irl
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.