Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
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[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
5 ways to appear taller
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above