Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
You Might Also Like
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Yes
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I can’t stop watching this.