law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
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Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer