Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
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Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
john wicks are toilet candles
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.