Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
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My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Going to church you guys need anything
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!