If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
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My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Life cycle of cat
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.