Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
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“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
not for long
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”