Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
You Might Also Like
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did