An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
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“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
[adds another nod to the conversation]
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.