If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
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Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
🙂🙃🥹
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.