My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
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Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
black phone good
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them