Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
You Might Also Like
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Realize this:
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White