Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
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Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch