If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
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Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
True statement👍😏😁