*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
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“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Previously On Persistence 😎
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.