Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
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News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”