Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
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My therapist after every session
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.