@behindyourback: a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling "HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER" and I want to trade problems with her

@THEPokerWife: After seeing your latest selfie ... And knowing what you look like in real life.... I'd like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.

@KentWGraham: After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

@Jack9eight5: As a pot smoking narcissist, my life is all smoke and mirrors

@ThisLocalHater: If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy. For example: Her panties were muggy af.