Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
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My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?