Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
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The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Not today, today.
Not today.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.