The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
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Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
WWE is French for “yes”
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s